I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major Demagogue

If you don’t know the original lyric and inspiration (and why would you?), you can look here. And for a performance, capturing the mad rhythm of it all, you can look here.

I am the very model of a modern major demagogue,

I have employed each tactic in the neo-fascist catalogue,

I’ve lorded over lesser men, harassed all women in my path,

And planned my life accordingly, assured I’ll get the final laugh.

I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters pornographical,

Am happy with my ignorance of all things geographical,

I ably taunt folks black and brown and red, as well as all the Jews,

Encouraging supremacists who wield the torch and bloodied noose.

My rise to power’s clearly something wonderfully miraculous,

I’ve heard people say my birth was certainly immaculate,

In short, in all things written in the neo-fascist catalogue,

I am the very model of a modern major demagogue.

I know our mythic history and strive to make us great again,

Ignoring all calamities that marked our history way back when.

I bully all my critics, and I want them under lock and key,

And will at least take them to court if they should dare to counter me.

I’ve scoffed at televangelists and snickered at morality,

While mastering the falsities of my TV reality.

Indifferent both to Christ and God, and all anti-abortionists,

I pander still to all such rubes; I am a grand contortionist.

I always know exactly how to praise those wearing uniforms

Though phony bone spurs kept me out of all those dire East Asian storms.

In short, in all things written in the neo-fascist catalogue,

I am the very model of a modern major demagogue.

I understand the meaning of the clause about emoluments

But better grasp the joys of keeping all my dollars and my cents.

Experts advising me about my taxes earn my hearty thanks;

I get largesse by lying to loan officers at Deutsche  Bank.

I am immune to any talk of honor or integrity.

For power alone and not for love, I do embrace my family.

In short, if you examine all the world’s narcissistic egoists,

You’ll see I am the fair-haired one whose name sits bold atop the list.

My knowledge of the founding father’s bold and brave democracy

Is somewhat dim and scatter-shot and short on any accuracy,

So I embrace the tenets of the neo-fascist catalogue,

Proud to be the model of a modern major demagogue.

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